I think I was a lot better at blogging last summer, back when I started this thing. Recently all I've been doing is listing the recent happenings, it seems like. I'm glad I have this blog to document the fun things in my life, and I definitely want to use it for that at times... but what it's really supposed to be documenting is my love for Jesus and my walk with Him. Maybe I've been slacking at that because it's so much easier just to list the fun things I've been doing, whereas putting my heart into words can be so difficult.
For right now, I will say that I am in a place of longing. I am yearning for God's truth and love and to be closer to Him, but not only that... I am also yearning for Him to remind some of my dear friends of His goodness, His mercy, and His unfailing love.
This is hard to say... 1 because I don't want to admit it and 2 because I don't really know how to explain it, but I think that lately I have been trying so hard to remind others that God has everything under control that I've been forgetting to remind myself of that. I've been forgetting to take time for myself. I've been spending time with God for others... it that makes any sense at all. I haven't been focusing on Him for myself. I haven't been spending time with Him so that He and I can have intimate time together, but I have been reading His word almost solely to try and comfort others through it.
I think comforting others with God's love is a GREAT thing when you do it the right way. I have to re-prioritize. I have to put God first. It is a lesson I am having to learn over and over again. I somehow so easily let earthly relationships come between Jesus and me. I have to run to God for ME. For my relationship with Him. I have to be right with Him, walking in step with Him, letting Him guide my every move... and then through that I can love others with His love. I can share with others what He is teaching ME. I can point people to Jesus. I can show them how to be comforted by Him instead of comforted by ME.
In trying to help others and comfort others, I feel like I'm being selfless when in reality I'm being so selfish because I'm not pointing them to Christ the way I should be. How can I tell others to run to Christ for themselves when I seem to have lost sight of running to Him for myself? And that does sound selfish, but in reality, fulfilling a yearning for Christ is not selfish because through that you can help others SO much better. And Christ longs for us to come to Him!
Trying to be "filled" with Christ just so that I can go and pour that out onto others is so draining because I'm not being truly filled to where I am overflowing. I am just simply getting enough to give to someone else and then being left empty. It's a crazy cycle that I really don't think I can explain, but I have got to start being filled by Christ through His love, through church, and through others to the point that His love can overflow from me so that I have enough to give away. Constantly being the person trying to be there for others who are going through hard times is really wearing me down, but I know that listening and encouraging are things that God is calling me to. I just have to go about it the correct way.
I was expecting this to turn into another short blogging list, so sorry for my noncoherent ramblings!