I want to love because You loved.

That last post when I was talking about how I am feeling so drained... dumb. dumb. dumb. Although it is true- I do feel very drained, the answer is not to stop loving someone. The answer is to be more filled. It's sad that I typed those selfish things out when I knew all along that they were selfish. WHY do I give into the flesh so often?

To all my friends and to all the people that I love (whether you love and pursue me or not)-
I want to love you like Christ loves you, and I am so sorry for letting my selfishness get in the way of that over and over again. It's not about me. It's not about me feeling dried up. It's about Jesus, being filled with Him and because I'm so filled with Him, overflowing with Him and His love.

I want to love because He loved. Not because I want to be loved in return. I am loved unconditionally by my God and that's all the love I need.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

All of my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Africa and making references to it all the time... but I can't help it. I have missed it ever since I got back, but now I'm missing it more than ever. I want to go back, and I really miss the community of people I had there. Specifically I miss the awesome group of people I went with- Anna, Annalise, Jack, Jesse, Lindsay, Meghan, Ryan, and Zach. They were so encouraging, uplifting, such great listeners, and let Jesus overflow from them. How I wish we could all live in the same city! Need them in my life. I feel like my community here just isn't cutting it right now... No offense to anyone. It's just that in Africa we were together daily, going through the same things, walking through life together for 2 1/2 weeks, growing closer to each other as we grew closer to the Lord... and I am longing for that. Love and miss you all.

I'm alive to live for YOU.

Really upset that all my pictures are gone! Tried to fix a couple, but it wasn't really working... As Chelcie would say- "tragic!"

Something about this weekend (maybe the excitement, maybe the lack of sleep, maybe the quality time with friends, maybe slamming my finger in the car door and using the boo boo bunny, but mostly likely becoming famous- being on ESPN and dominating the jumbotron) made me feel like myself again for the first time since I got back from Africa. I don't think I even realized how much I hadn't been myself until I felt like I was being myself again... if that makes any sense at all. I knew things were different- that I was even more awkward than before, that I never felt like being social, that my friendships were suffering which I think I blamed more on my friends than on myself which is completely backwards. I have been really clingy in some of my relationships lately (you know who you are, and I am sorry), and I have pushed others away drastically (again, sorry).

All of this is not to say that I'm completely back to the person I was before my trip because that would be false... It was a life-changing experience, and I don't think I will ever be the same because of it. I learned so much about my God, so much about myself, so much about Young Life and my ministry, and so much about relationships. I also grew so much in so many ways, and I am so thankful for that. I hope that I will be changed forever by what this trip taught me, but it is good to "feel like myself again" finally!

"I'm not gonna question why You're so faithful, why You give me the blessings that You have"

I am blessed beyond belief with the relationships that God has placed in my life. I had some awesome conversations today with sweet, sweet friends and was just reminded of how truly blessed I am by the people in my life.

Nicole and I walked for a while tonight- the weather was beautiful, and so was the conversation we had. Gah, she is so wonderful- she encourages me constantly and speaks so much truth into my life.

I also talked to my best friend from middle school, Ashley, a little bit today. We don't talk nearly enough so it was so good to hear from her, and I cannot even wait to see her get married this winter.

(unacceptable that I can't find a picture of us together... probably a good thing to save us both the embarrassment, but I don't know why I can't find those awesome pictures we took to make our best friends shirts! I'll hunt them down)

Another great conversation was one I had with Matt. It had been a while since we had really talked, and even though it was kind of a tough conversation (mainly because I've sucked at being a good friend to him lately and had to own up to that), it was so good to catch up and be real with each other.

(hahaha sorry Matt, this is the only picture I have of the two of us)

I got a super sweet note from Chelcie on my car today. She's awesome, and I already miss living with her! Thank goodness we have a class together!

Jamie took me to lunch this week AND made me muffins. She's just trying to fatten me up... So thankful that she's on my team and we get to grow in our ministry together.

My family is also simply incredible, and I have loved spending lots of time with them since I've been home from Africa. Just being in their presence is so great.

(we may seem a little dysfunctional, but personally, I think we've learned to function quite well. we love the Lord and we love each other.)

I miss my friends that I went to Africa with and the African friends I made while I was there!