Thankful

Have I mentioned recently how much I love my small group? Because I do... a lot. The girls in there are just so encouraging, loving, and nonjudgmental. Most importantly they have a huge desire to be more like Christ- and it's so great to have a small community of believers with the same goal. Then we have Paulette to lead us and teach us. She is the wisest woman I know, and I just learn so much from her. I cannot express how thankful I am for this group.

I'm sitting here preparing my talk for Monday and just reading through verses that I've read a million times, I am overwhelmed by the love of my God. Thankful for those reminders.

Last night after small group I went to the guys' soccer game. Jamie met me there and brought me clothes to change into (I was still in my interview clothes). So thankful for this sweet friend and her being willing to do that for me. Even more thankful for her being at Sharp Top with me this weekend. I wouldn't have made it without her. She was so encouraging all weekend... and just seeing her smile would remind me that I was not alone. This was a reminder of how grateful I am that we get to do ministry together at CAK- it has grown so much since this time last year. Even though our ministries look completely different, we are in it together... and that is such a blessing.

Then Jamie and I went to dinner and Chelcie joined us. Thankful that she's going through the application/interviewing process with me and thankful for her blog yesterday that reminded me that I am not even close to big enough to mess up God's plan. He has it all under control.

I'm getting ready to go to lunch with my best friend Matt. Thankful for a chance to finally get to spend time together. Especially since he's leaving me so soon. Thankful for our friendship in general that started so randomly and has grown so much just in the past few months.

Later today I get to hang out with the other wonderful person in the above picture- Nicole! Thankful for no Wednesday night classes so that I can spend these afternoons with her. And even more thankful for her friendship.

Also so thankful for all the encouragement from so many friends yesterday before my interview.

Praying this week for discernment about spring break plans. Also praying for God to speak through me to these high schoolers on Monday night.

You can have all this world... just give me Jesus.

Even though Jesus is all that I need- He gave me some pretty awesome friends for my time here on earth.

I want to love because You loved.

That last post when I was talking about how I am feeling so drained... dumb. dumb. dumb. Although it is true- I do feel very drained, the answer is not to stop loving someone. The answer is to be more filled. It's sad that I typed those selfish things out when I knew all along that they were selfish. WHY do I give into the flesh so often?

To all my friends and to all the people that I love (whether you love and pursue me or not)-
I want to love you like Christ loves you, and I am so sorry for letting my selfishness get in the way of that over and over again. It's not about me. It's not about me feeling dried up. It's about Jesus, being filled with Him and because I'm so filled with Him, overflowing with Him and His love.

I want to love because He loved. Not because I want to be loved in return. I am loved unconditionally by my God and that's all the love I need.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It's the little things in life that mean the most.

This is going to be a sporadic post with lots of random thoughts because that describes my life... and my brain. I really am losing my mind. My brain has pretty much decided to quit working this semester- I write everything down and still forget things, I am always out of it (making me even more awkward than I already am), and I haven't been a good friend lately.

On that note... I know this is really selfish of me, but I just can't put forth the effort that I have been into some friendships anymore. I literally can't. It's so draining when I get absolutely nothing in return from some people. Especially when I feel like they don't care about our friendship at all. If it doesn't matter to them, maybe it shouldn't matter to me so much. Yes, there are people that I still feel led to pursue and don't *shouldn't* expect anything in return (which should always be the case probably), but those people that I'm not feeling really called to pursue a friendship with right now... I'm just going to let it go. I hate that and it is so so difficult for me to say (will be even harder for me to actually do), but I have to do it because I have so many other things (God, other relationships, Young Life, school) I need to focus on. I have to get rid of some of the "drainers" in my life so that I can be filled in order to pour out.

Something that I'm looking forward to that I absolutely love- Panera with Jessie tomorrow. This time once a week seriously keeps me going. Time with her always makes me think about life, really consider the things I'm doing (whether they're actually worthwhile or not), and she always points me to the Lord. My time with her is always rich (NOT exhausting!). I don't know how it happens or how she does it- yes, I do... She lets God use her and speak through her. Incredible.

Jamie and I went to Bearden's Young Life tonight to hear Lindsey speak and she was AWESOME. Wow. You could hardly tell she was nervous at all and her message was great. She spoke so much truth to those high schoolers. It is amazing to watch God use my wonderful friends in such cool ways to share His love. I am SO PROUD of this girl.

All of my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Africa and making references to it all the time... but I can't help it. I have missed it ever since I got back, but now I'm missing it more than ever. I want to go back, and I really miss the community of people I had there. Specifically I miss the awesome group of people I went with- Anna, Annalise, Jack, Jesse, Lindsay, Meghan, Ryan, and Zach. They were so encouraging, uplifting, such great listeners, and let Jesus overflow from them. How I wish we could all live in the same city! Need them in my life. I feel like my community here just isn't cutting it right now... No offense to anyone. It's just that in Africa we were together daily, going through the same things, walking through life together for 2 1/2 weeks, growing closer to each other as we grew closer to the Lord... and I am longing for that. Love and miss you all.

I'm alive to live for YOU.

Really upset that all my pictures are gone! Tried to fix a couple, but it wasn't really working... As Chelcie would say- "tragic!"

Something about this weekend (maybe the excitement, maybe the lack of sleep, maybe the quality time with friends, maybe slamming my finger in the car door and using the boo boo bunny, but mostly likely becoming famous- being on ESPN and dominating the jumbotron) made me feel like myself again for the first time since I got back from Africa. I don't think I even realized how much I hadn't been myself until I felt like I was being myself again... if that makes any sense at all. I knew things were different- that I was even more awkward than before, that I never felt like being social, that my friendships were suffering which I think I blamed more on my friends than on myself which is completely backwards. I have been really clingy in some of my relationships lately (you know who you are, and I am sorry), and I have pushed others away drastically (again, sorry).

All of this is not to say that I'm completely back to the person I was before my trip because that would be false... It was a life-changing experience, and I don't think I will ever be the same because of it. I learned so much about my God, so much about myself, so much about Young Life and my ministry, and so much about relationships. I also grew so much in so many ways, and I am so thankful for that. I hope that I will be changed forever by what this trip taught me, but it is good to "feel like myself again" finally!

Looking back at past posts about Africa, I feel like I complained a lot. I promise I loved it. It was such an amazing experience, and I had a wonderful time. It was hard. Really hard. But more than that, it was absolutely incredible. Reading through my journal, it is evident that I was ready to come home, but now I long to be back there.

Now on to another shout out:

One of my favorite people and bestest friends-

CARL VICK.

Where do I even begin? So goofy and so fun to be around. We've been through some rough times in our friendship, but always both care enough to work through it. We're both sensitive and try to pretend like we're mad at each other sometimes, but we love each other too much to stay upset! :) I'm so thankful for him and his willingness to listen to what's going on in my life when I can't talk to my other friends about it. Glad he joined our family vacation for a few short days this summer.
Oh yeah, if you haven't read his Xanga, you should really check it out.

Because I'm bored in my 3 hour night class...

8.2.10
I finally got to contact my parents for the first time! I emailed them both and then decided to try and call. A man at the front desk at the lodge of our hotel let me use his cell phone for $5.00. I called Dad first because I knew he would have his phone with him, told him to call Mom to tell her I'd be calling her next. I'm so glad I finally got to talk to them! Dad and Matt Rob both emailed me back (so good to hear from my best friend!), and I got to facebook chat for a second with Scott and Nicole (Stridde is engaged!!!!!!!!). I feel so much better now that I've contacted home!

We woke up this morning to watch Annalise, Jack, Jesse, and Lindsay do the "half day adrenaline"- gorge swing, zip line, and flying fox or something like that. Then we went white water rafting which was a lot of fun. My arms will definitely be sore tomorrow along with my legs because we had to hike down to the river and then nearly 2 miles straight back up at the end (NO ONE WARNED ME ABOUT THIS!) When we were about 2/3 of the way to the top, I had stopped for a second and two guides came by and told us we were almost to the halfway point. This is really embarrassing, but I started crying because I didn't think I could make it more than double the distance we had already come. I was exhausted! Meghan and Lindsay were so sweet and walked slowly the rest of the way with me (the guide "Colgate" stayed with me and made me stop every few minutes to breathe- told you it was embarrassing!). Colgate felt really bad about making me cry!

After that we thankfully had sometime to relax before we went on the dinner cruise (aka booze cruise because we didn't actually get dinner, just had an open bar). Pierre cooked dinner for us when we got back to the "hotel" (a cabin type thing with one side open to the outside- just thick curtains to close at night to keep anyone/anything out!) and it was very good.

The past two days have been incredible. In a way I'm sad to leave this luxury and head to the rural area where we're going to be "roughing it" even more than we have been, but I am so excited to see what God is going to do because I know it's going to be BIG! I'm just fully trusting Him to get me through the rest of the trip because we aren't even halfway, and I'm almost ready to go home.

8.3.10

(this is a quick one!)

• drove from Vic Falls to Matopo Hills
• stopped for snack, gas, and at Pierre's
• trailer fell on Anna's shoulder
• Jesse's wallet got stolen
• great dinner by Norma
• talked about Spiritual Warfare
• trying/frustrating day
• have no idea what camp will look like

8.4.10

(morning)

2 Timothy 1:14

Proverbs 4:23

Psalm 141:3

Isaiah 52:12

Mark 13:33

1 Corinthians 16:13

Philippians 4:5-7

Mark 1:2-3

**Be alert**

**Guard your heart**

8.4.10

(night)

Today leaders from Matopo arrived at Morning Star. We went to two orphan feedings, but at the first one a widow had lost her child so everyone was at the funeral. At the second we were too early and had to get back so we only saw a few children. Then we went to climb the world's largest piece of exposed granite (or something like that) that was 4 miles long. The view at the top was beautiful. 
We also saw some farms that were "farmed God's way."

I no longer feel homesick and loved getting to know the new leaders. One guy, Andy, was telling me how he's never met his father and doesn't even know if he's alive. I also talked to a girl, Stha (spelling?), that told me of her first encounter with Christ and how he healed her from her physical suffering- nose bleeds, chest pain (she had been in the hospital for 2 months). It was really neat to hear their stories.

After dinner we had a bonfire and many people shared what they had learned today which was awesome to hear the things they had taken in about being a leader and putting on a Young Life club.

I've really been missing my Young Life girls and thinking about them a lot- how I can reach out to them and be a better leader to them when I get back.

Happy (early) birthday, Steeny!

I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for this girl right here.

I remember the first time I met her at my very first Young Life club. Freshmen year was not my peak, but I still don't believe that I was truly as awkward as Christine swears I was. :) Now I have experienced how she felt trying to pursue us, and I feel so sorry for her. We were young, awkward, bratty, dumb, dramatic, not nice, self-centered, lost, immature... typical high school freshmen. Oh yeah, and I was depressed, and I'm pretty sure I piled that all on her the night I met her. Via Facebook. I grew so much as a person and in my walk with Christ through my high school years thanks to this beautiful young woman I called my Young Life leader, but she was (and still is) SO much more than that- a friend, a role model, a mentor, a listener. I could go on and on about how wonderful she is and how much she means to me.

Christine, I cannot thank you enough for investing your time in our lives. For pursuing us even when we didn't know we wanted/needed to be pursued. For putting up with all our BS, and continuing to build relationships with us even when we did not treat you well. For always being there for us. For listening to our drama. For taking us to Frontier. For speaking truth into our lives. For never giving up on us. And for being completely out of your mind and taking us on our senior spring break trip. Can't wait for the reunion trip! :)

(still hate that I'm not in this picture)

Words cannot describe how much you mean to me.

Happy birthday!

I LOVE YOU.

"I'm not gonna question why You're so faithful, why You give me the blessings that You have"

I am blessed beyond belief with the relationships that God has placed in my life. I had some awesome conversations today with sweet, sweet friends and was just reminded of how truly blessed I am by the people in my life.

Nicole and I walked for a while tonight- the weather was beautiful, and so was the conversation we had. Gah, she is so wonderful- she encourages me constantly and speaks so much truth into my life.

I also talked to my best friend from middle school, Ashley, a little bit today. We don't talk nearly enough so it was so good to hear from her, and I cannot even wait to see her get married this winter.

(unacceptable that I can't find a picture of us together... probably a good thing to save us both the embarrassment, but I don't know why I can't find those awesome pictures we took to make our best friends shirts! I'll hunt them down)

Another great conversation was one I had with Matt. It had been a while since we had really talked, and even though it was kind of a tough conversation (mainly because I've sucked at being a good friend to him lately and had to own up to that), it was so good to catch up and be real with each other.

(hahaha sorry Matt, this is the only picture I have of the two of us)

I got a super sweet note from Chelcie on my car today. She's awesome, and I already miss living with her! Thank goodness we have a class together!

Jamie took me to lunch this week AND made me muffins. She's just trying to fatten me up... So thankful that she's on my team and we get to grow in our ministry together.

My family is also simply incredible, and I have loved spending lots of time with them since I've been home from Africa. Just being in their presence is so great.

(we may seem a little dysfunctional, but personally, I think we've learned to function quite well. we love the Lord and we love each other.)

I miss my friends that I went to Africa with and the African friends I made while I was there!